For many relationships across the globe, infidelity is a common deal-breaker – a clear non-negotiable that will make a relationship unlikely to work out.
While there are indications that some partners can heal and rebuild their relationships after there has been infidelity, for many, it often speaks to a lack of respect for the other person, an absence of shared values and an erosion of trust.
“Infidelity isn’t a single, clearly defined situation,” says the Mayo Clinic. “What is considered infidelity can be different among couples and even between spouses. Each person and each couple needs to define what infidelity means within a marriage.”
While some couples consider an emotional connection with another individual even without sex cheating, some others extend the bracket to include online relationships or online sexual activity.
Relationship experts have identified lack of affection, weak commitment, breakdown of communication, and mental and physical health issues as some of the common causes of cheating in a relationship.
Other causes of cheating are lack of care, addiction (such as addiction to sex, drugs, alcohol, and gambling), major life changes (such as becoming parents or children leaving the home), poor attention to physical appearance, stressful periods and unaddressed marital or emotional problems (such as fear of intimacy).
Speaking with our correspondent, a marriage counsellor, Mrs Eunice Ikudaisi, explained that cheating in a relationship often leads to a wide range of emotions such as anger, distrust, feelings of worthlessness, shame, and low self-esteem among partners.
“When such an affair is discovered, it changes everything between the partners and they never see each other in the same way again. Some people’s personality, weight, physical appearances and mental state can be altered as a result of infidelity especially when they know they have given their all for the relationship,” Ikudaisi stated.
Here are ways by which partners can deal with infidelity in their relationships:
Don’t make decisions in haste
“When one is in an emotionally vulnerable state, like when one finds out he or she is dealing with a cheating partner, there is a need for one to think carefully and clearly before deciding because the decision that one makes at such a critical stage can have some long-term consequences, either positively or negatively,” Ikudaisi added.
Gather your evidence
A relationship advisor, Emmanuel Idiong, stressed the need for partners to gather evidence for cheating before they confront the guilty parties.
“Before you confront a cheating partner, you need to first gather your evidence. This includes screen captures of text messages, conversations, photos and social media interactions that you are convinced have crossed the lines,” Idiong said.
Go for medical tests
A medical scientist, Michael Okechukwu, explained that cheating partners may be at the risk of infecting the innocent parties with Sexually Transmitted Infections, noting that individuals should get tested if they have been cheated on.
He said, “Your partner may have lied to you about being with just one person but you can’t be sure if he or she has actually cheated on you with a dozen others, so one of the first things to do is to go to a clinic or health centres and get tested for STIs, HIV and Hepatitis.
“Your partner should also get tested if you intend to continue the relationship and sleep with each other.”
Confront your partner
“Avoidance is not a mentally healthy way to process the emotional struggles that come with infidelity,” noted Idiong.
“Confronting them with the evidence you gathered and expressing how you feel about the situation is very essential. Don’t repress or try to hold back your feelings, and at the same time, avoid physical violence in any form,” he added.
Avoid self-blame
“There is this tendency in us, especially as women, to internalise our hurts and shame when we get cheated on. We direct that anger and betrayal that we feel inward, making us blame ourselves for the actions of the other person. Some even resort to self-harm. These are bad coping mechanisms.
“You can examine how your actions may have contributed to infidelity but avoid blaming yourself for the indiscretion of the other party,” Ikudaisi stated.
Decide what you want
“If you get tested and you find that your partner has infected you, there is a need for you to decide whether to continue with them or not. Decide what you want from your relationship. You hold the key,” Okechukwu noted.
“You can decide whether to end the affair based on what you experienced or have seen and you can also decide to work on your relationship with your partner. It all depends on the nature of the cheating, its extent, how many persons are involved and the degree of sincerity expressed by the guilty party,” Idiong noted.
Seek support
Ikudaisi advised, “Some people are serial cheaters and their condition might need professional help because they keep seeking in others something that is not lost in partners, but just to make up for something from their damaged childhoods. At the same time, the partner that has been cheated on may need to heal and be able to love, forgive and trust again. So, seeking professional support works both ways and should be explored even if both parties have chosen to discontinue the relationship.”