Our correspondent speaks to mature singles about what they will do if their parents reject their choice of spouse
Segun Daniels
If my parents refuse my choice of spouse, it would undoubtedly be a difficult and emotional situation. In such a scenario, I would first try to have an open and honest conversation with them, expressing my feelings and reasons for choosing my partner. I would listen to their concerns attentively, demonstrating that I value their opinion. However, it is essential to remember that marriage is a deeply personal decision, and ultimately, I would have to prioritise my happiness and well-being. If, despite my efforts to communicate and find common ground, my parents remained steadfast in their refusal, I would seek guidance and support from other family members, close friends, or a professional counsellor to navigate this challenging situation. In the end, I would not go into the marriage if my parents insisted on not giving their approval and consent. As a believer, I obey the scriptures and their instructions in honouring my parents.
Amusa Adeola
Parental disapproval of the choice of spouse is indeed a devastating and emotional challenge. If I find myself in this situation, firstly, I will set up a conversation with my parents in the absence of my spouse to know their concerns. If their reasons are not convincing enough for me, I will communicate our compatibility, his values and qualities. And if this does not work, then, I will consult a neutral and knowledgeable third party. It could be a respected religious leader, a counsellor or an elder in the family. But if this second step does not work (which is very rare), then, I will give them enough time to reflect on my choice. This could be three to six months. During this period, I would inform my spouse’s family of the situation. If they do not have a change of mind after six months’ space, I will observe my spouse and his family’s reaction and pray about it. My spouse and his family’s reactions will determine my conclusion.
Joseph Babatunde
By God’s grace, right from when I started making choices in life till now, my parents have never refused my choices, since they know that God knows about them. If at this point, my parents now refuse my choice, then, I will pause and check what has gone wrong. Since they mean good for me and our source of choice in the family is God, as it was in Joshua 24:15. For instance, I was telling God about choosing a partner at a point in my life, and without informing my mother, she called me on phone and explained to me a message she received from God for me as regards the issue. I had to back out on my choice based on the message from God through her. On getting a new lead, I told her and she was glad about it because God knows about it.
Akanmu Fiyin
Marriage is not a casual thing—especially to African parents. It is a “our family married your family” thing. Couples don’t just get joined under the mistletoe. Hence, parents get fully involved in who their children marry. My parents are my go-to persons. I involve them in every important decision I make; their love and experience allow them to give substantial advice. So, if they refuse who I choose to marry, I believe it’s from a place of love. Most times, being in love makes one oblivious to many things; we tend to overlook or not even see very apparent things. What I will do is reason with them. I will try to understand why they have rejected my choice. If their reasons are frivolous, I show them facts—I make them see why my choice is good or even better. I make them understand why I have chosen my choice. I usually tell my mum I would love to marry someone I “giggle” for, and she will say “Not only giggling is considered good marriage oh”. In essence, I will try my best to enlighten them. And if they persist, I re-evaluate my choice.
Arigbabu Oluwashola
If my parents were to refuse my choice of spouse, I would approach the situation with empathy, understanding, and open communication. I would try to comprehend their concerns and reasons behind their disapproval. It is important to consider their perspective and respect their feelings while also asserting my autonomy and happiness. In this situation, I would engage in heartfelt conversations with my parents, addressing their apprehensions and providing reassurance about the qualities and compatibility of my chosen partner. If necessary, I would involve a neutral mediator, such as a family counsellor, to facilitate constructive dialogue and find common ground. However, if despite all efforts, my parents remained steadfast in their refusal, I would have to make a difficult decision. Ultimately, I would prioritise my happiness and well-being, ensuring that my choice aligns with my values and future aspirations. While respecting my parents’ opinions, I would seek a balance that allows me to pursue a loving and fulfilling life with the person I believe is right for me.
Ebere joy
If my parents refused my choice of spouse, it would be a challenging and emotional situation to navigate. Firstly, I would strive to understand their concerns and the reasons behind their disapproval. Open and honest communication is essential to address any misunderstandings and find common ground. Next, I will calmly express my feelings and thoughts respectfully, explaining why I believe my chosen partner is the right person for me. Sharing our compatibility, shared values, and future aspirations might help my parents see the depth of our relationship. It is important to maintain patience and empathy during this process, as my parents’ objections might stem from genuine concerns for my well-being. I would try to assure them that I have considered their perspectives but that my happiness and life decisions ultimately lie with me. As an adult, I have the right to make my own decisions, especially when it comes to my life partner. I would emphasise that I value their opinions. It’s important to maintain a balance between respecting my parents’ wishes and asserting my autonomy. I would continue to show love and appreciation for my parents while standing firm in my commitment to my chosen partner. Over time, with patience, prayers and understanding, there is a possibility that my parents may come to accept my decision. If not, I would strive to maintain a positive relationship with them while pursuing a fulfilling life with my spouse.
Sikiru Emmanuel
If a bachelor or spinster takes a partner home to his parents and such partner is rejected, what will such a bachelor or spinster do? Or what will I do if I’m the one affected by such a decision? Firstly, I won’t convince my parents alone about my partner, I will seek help from older people, maybe pastors or counsellors, and I Will tell them what I saw and love about the lady and tell them the consequence of me not getting married to the young lady. Also, I may want to listen to my parents about the reason(s) behind their rejection of my spouse, if it’s genuine and I’m convinced enough, I may succumb to their wish but if not, I will also try my best to make them see the reason why I chose the lady. Lastly, as I said earlier, parents have a say in the choice of spouse. A Yoruba adage says “What an old man sees while sitting, a young man cannot see even if he climbs a tree.” Once I’m convinced enough about my parents’ reasons, I may decide to let her go and if I’m not, I will convince them to make me marry the lady after all, I will face the consequences alone and nobody will be there when I’m enjoying or not enjoying the marriage.
Boluwatife Ajayi-Segun
If my parents objected to my choice of spouse, I would address the matter diplomatically and with sensitivity. I would first try to comprehend their worries and the reasons behind their refusal. Then I’ll have a deep conversation with my parents to convince them, giving them an explanation of my choice of spouse and addressing their worries. If my conversation with them is futile, I might involve some elderly people my parents hold in high regard and persuade them to help convince my parents. If they remain adamant, then I might have to choose again because parental blessings are very important to me, and I would love to get them as I embark on my marital life journey. I also picture a union in which both parents welcome and treat each child’s partner as one of their children; this can’t happen if they aren’t in support of my choice.
Babalola Damilare
When getting married, there are a lot of factors to be considered by both parties involved. Over time, I have learned that our elders will always be the eldest not just in age but in wisdom and such wisdom comes with years of experience and age. When we are advised against our will, it can be hurtful and unacceptable to us because it is often difficult to see things close to us as the closer we get to people, the more sentimental we become about them. As it is often said, “Love is blind, marriage is the eye opener”. Our parents have seen life and experienced it with an open eye compared to us. The mistake of the child is the fault of the parents. Experience counts but it can also be overrated because context matters and many experiences are often out of context. For instance, interreligious, interracial and cultural unions were strongly impossible to survive some decades ago but today, those tensions posed by these differences have drastically dropped as humankind tilted toward pragmatism/liberalism in relationships over radicalism. In a nutshell, I won’t budge about it. I will sit down with my parents and have a conversation about their choice, and then I will try to see what I’m missing out in terms of their fact check and concerns. At the end of the day, my choice is mine.
Dosumu Temitope
If faced with the challenging situation of my parents refusing my choice of spouse, I would approach it with honesty and empathy. Firstly, I’d want to establish why they don’t want him; then emphasise the strength of my relationship with my partner, highlighting the qualities that make him special and the love we share. Next, I’d actively listen without criticism, respecting their beliefs and values. I understand it’s crucial to create an open and non-confrontational space for dialogue. To bridge the gap, I’d seek to understand their reservations and work together to find common ground, exploring compromises that might make them feel more comfortable with my choice. In essence, the key lies in fostering understanding and respect between generations while staying true to one’s heart.